The emotions have been intense this week, with the worst experience happening at 2 am, when I woke up and almost threw up from the anxiety. I have had visions of waking up in hospital as a newborn, far from my mother, not knowing where I am, my body tense and on high alert, unable to utter a sound for fear of attracting the wrong kind of attention. My crying has been full of silent screams too – like my voice is missing.
All my life I have felt this anxiety and as the week has slipped by, it has been such a relief to feel it lessen. I find myself already feeling the benefits of this process, the ability to just be, present in this moment.
This week I felt a huge improvement in my badminton game because of it. My reaction time is better, my focus beyond anything I have experienced so far. I am choosing to respond to what comes my way, rather than simply reacting.
This week I’ve also realized that much of my grief, anger, fear and pain stem from losing my twin. I should clarify here that I have no proof I had a twin, but I have been told that she existed by more than one energy healing practitioner, and my intuition has been telling me all week that it’s true. I feel like there was an agreement between us that we would be the best of friends and do everything together, and when she left me, I felt devastated.
As an infant, I was unable to express and integrate my grief and anger, my fear of and pain at having to face the world alone. And I can sense that this incredibly close relationship I feel I was meant to have with my twin is something I have been desperately longing for, searching for and trying to recreate with each of my partners throughout my life, only to be constantly disappointed.
Anyone else have any aha moments during their journey through The Presence Process?
With love and gratitude,